The Panthers are still perfect. The last time Carolina was undefeated was in the fight for tobacco subsidies.

Marcus Mariota had an 87-yard touchdown run. I think it finally hit him. “Wait, I moved from Hawaii to Tennessee? I gotta get the hell out of here!”

I saw a story wondering if Giants coach Tom Coughlin’s days are numbered. I’m worried his breaths are numbered.

The Vikings were beaten so badly, I thought the president would have to address it. Even Adrian Peterson thought it was excessive.

Former Patriot Aaron Hernandez was put in solitary confinement after guards found a homemade shank in his possession. How is it that Hernandez has more weapons than Tom Brady?

Tom Brady would have more weapons, if his weapons didn’t have so many weapons.

Fans are calling Aaron Rodgers’ Hail Mary pass a miracle. If beating the Lions is a miracle, we’ve really lowered the bar.

The Colts expect Luck back in a couple of weeks. The Browns never expect to see luck again.

The Super Bowl band will be “Coldplay.” “Cold play” will also be the new slogan of the Browns.

They say the door is still open for Manziel. To make sure he goes through it, they should put a velvet rope in front and charge a cover.

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Costaki Economopoulos is a comedian and the Browns’ fourth-string quarterback. You should follow him on Twitter.