Let Me Run a Baseball Team: A Cover Letter

Dear Owner of Baseball Team,

The world of baseball has fallen into the hands of the analytically minded. Problem solvers, number crunchers, and charts guys are the ones behind the scenes calling the shots. I am one of these people. The reasons why I should be the general manager of an MLB team are myriad in number. In fact, I could just write a much shorter letter about reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea to let me run a major-league club. But here is a sampling of the reasons why I’ll be bringing a World Series all up into your kitchen, so to speak:

Playing Experience: One knock against the sabermetric community is that many of its members never played the game, and therefore lack intuitive knowledge about the day-to-day grind of a real baseball season. Not the case with me. As a seven-year veteran of my hometown youth recreational leagues, I bring an unparalleled feel for the game, along with everything else I will mention. Unofficial records indicate that in the 2003 Miami Springs Little League regular season, I recorded a slash line of .312/.421/.523. You might have noticed that that batting average is almost a full .100 higher than Billy Beane’s career average. That is not a typo. Although I was not much with the glove, I clearly know how to put the bat on the ball. And that’s why I’d be great at assembling an entire team that does just that, and can terrorize pitching staffs from Seattle to Tampa.

Age: In 2002, the Boston Red Sox made history by naming a 28-year-old Theo Epstein to the post of general manager, the youngest such hire in the history of the game. In the subsequent five years, the Red Sox went from being a cursed punchline to a near dynasty. Why? Because the infusion of youth in the front office. I am presenting any MLB club (except the Royals, because I don’t want to live in Missouri) with the opportunity to infuse their front office with an unprecedented amount of youth. I am 22 years old. With my fresh ideas about the game and upbringing in the digital era (all-emoji scouting reports, anyone?), a club would be taken aback by the sheer possibilities available to them. Why stop at Moneyball if those guys never won anything anyway? If the Red Sox had really struck when the iron was hot on Epstein, when HE was 22, then they would have won a minimum of five World Series titles, according to my sophisticated statistical model. Statistical model, you ask? Yes, I can make those, which brings me to my next point.

Number Wizardry Credentials: You might be thinking to yourself, “what the hell are you talking about, Jaime? You’ve never worked in baseball and you don’t really even pay that close attention to the team you root for.” It doesn’t matter. My lack of allegiance to any team only cements my decision-making ability. It’s all about the numbers. Did you know that Theo Epstein graduated from Yale with a degree in American studies? That’s cute. I have a statistics degree. While our pal Theo was out there talking about ennui in Rust Belt towns and the cultural impact of labor unions, or something else that doesn’t matter, I was hard at work MAKING CHARTS. Representing real data about real stuff. Stuff more important than baseball. Stuff of life-or-death consequence to people, like DISEASES. Having created visualizations of far more high-stakes data, I feel baseball is small potatoes. I’ve made charts of such quality that several respected chart experts have commented “good chart” on my work. Sometimes I wake up and have to go back to sleep because my dreams about charts were so pleasant that I couldn’t bear to look away.

With that, I believe I have made it abundantly clear that I would succeed immediately as general manager of (TEAM NAME – FILL IN). I look forward to working with you in the near future.



One Comments

  1. Post By Benjamin Rodriguez

    This article is honest and truthful; don’t let the humor fool you. If those stats crunching, model predicting, R programming “analysts” could truly deliver what they claim, then every team (even small markets) would win a World Series. Right now data analysts are “hot” in baseball but will eventually cool off because there is no significant advantage in most of the information produced, and furthermore, the information is evenly available for every team. Basically, to get a job like this you have to know someone or have a degree with an Ivy League name on it.

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