NFL Quick Snaps, Week 9

The Panthers are 8-0, and Clemson is number one. Rednecks in the Carolinas haven’t been this happy since Strom Thurmond read phone books to filibuster civil rights.

Reggie Bush slipped and tore his MCL on the sidelines, and now he’s suing the city of St. Louis. If St. Louis had any money to give him, they would have fixed the stadium.

Sue somebody with money, Reggie. Sue the Kardashians for making you “weak in the knees.”

Antonio Brown had the most yards from scrimmage ever without a touchdown. He went the extra mile without scoring, just like me in college.

Last week Detroit’s owner Martha Ford issued a recall on some of the Lions coaches. You know things are bad when a Ford thinks you need to be rebuilt.

Andy Dalton led his undefeated Bengals to a win over Johnny Manziel and the Browns. It was Red Rifle versus Red Stripe.

Browns head coach Mike Pettine says he doesn’t want Manziel to stay in the pocket. And by “in the pocket” he means “on the team.”

Cowboys went 2-0 with Tony Romo, then 0-6 without him. Give Romo the MVC: Most Valuable Collarbone.

JPP is back, and he says there’s “nothing he can’t do.” Really? What about sign language? Jazz hands? Draw a turkey? Buy gloves off the rack? “The Itsy-Bitsy Spider”?

The Redskins’ Brian Orakpo was flagged three times on one play. After the game, he got a congratulatory call from Ndamukong Suh.


Costaki Economopoulos is a standup comedian who sometimes likes to poke rival comics in the eye. You should follow him on Twitter.