[The scene: Early afternoon at SHEILA and MORTY’s condo, in an old people’s village somewhere in Florida. They are sitting at their kitchen table eating reheated Chinese food. Sheila reheated it in a pan, because she doesn’t trust the microwave. Their sweaters are almost as old as their children, who moved out about forty years ago.]
MORTY
This is pretty good.
SHEILA
Uch. They put too much mushrooms in the noodles.
MORTY
I like the mushrooms.
SHEILA
Uch.
(silence)
MORTY
Mushrooms are good.
SHEILA
The chinks know how to cook.
MORTY
They’re gonna take over, ya know.
SHEILA
When I’m dead and gone, I hope.
MORTY
That wouldn’t be the worst. They’re… neat. And organized.
SHEILA
Uch. Always with the mushrooms. When they take over you won’t be able to order a hot dog without all their filthy mushrooms.
MORTY
Sheila, you haven’t had a hot dog since we’ve been married.
SHEILA
That’s right, ’cause they’re made of lips and assholes.
MORTY
They’re good, they’re very good.
[MORTY glances down at the newspaper he’s already read three times.]
That marathon is today, you know.
SHEILA
Huh?
MORTY
The marathon. The race. The big long race.
SHEILA
A race? What about it? What do I care about a race?
MORTY
It’s the one in Boston.
SHEILA
Uch, Boston. It’s too cold there. Full of micks.
MORTY
Rebecca’s husband whatshisname is from Boston, remember?
SHEILA
Uch, he’s a good one. The rest of them are a bunch of mick drunks.
MORTY
Last year, Sheila, remember the big thing?
SHEILA
What, about whatshisname?
MORTY
No, the race. In Boston.
SHEILA
What, a bunch of schvartzes went for a run?
MORTY
No, there was an attack. A big kaboom, remember? It was all over the news.
SHEILA
See, nothing good could come of schlepping that long. You never see any Jews running, ’cause they know. They would plotz. They know nothing good comes of that. And it’s too cold, you’ll freeze your tuches off.
MORTY
I don’t think it’s so cold up there this time of year.
SHEILA
Uch.
MORTY
Do you remember, the bombs?
SHEILA
What bombs? What are you talking about?
MORTY
At the race. It was last year.
SHEILA
Morty, I don’t even remember when we bought this Chinese food. How could I remember a little race from a year ago?
MORTY
No, it was a big deal. They talked about it for days. They were running and some schmuck set a bomb off and killed the runners.
SHEILA
Oy vey, what a crazy world. Did they all die?
MORTY
No they didn’t all die, just a few of them.
SHEILA
Uch.
MORTY
But it was awful. They showed their arms missing, they showed it on the TV.
SHEILA
Uch. Was whatshisname okay? Rebecca’s husband?
MORTY
They live in Virginia now, Sheila.
SHEILA
Oh, that’s right.
MORTY
See, you can’t be in a crowd anymore. Nothing’s safe, nothing. Not a classroom, not a race. Not a ballgame. That poor schvartze boy couldn’t even walk down the street without getting shot. Tsuris, tsuris. Everything is tsuris.
SHEILA
Who can keep track of it all?
MORTY
I don’t get it.
SHEILA
Uch. Spicks killing schvartzes. Krauts killing Jews. Guineas killing wops…
MORTY
Guineas are wops, honey.
SHEILA
I know that, schmuck. But I wouldn’t put it past them to shoot each other.
MORTY
There’s so much hate. Every schmendrick’s marching around with five guns and a bomb strapped to their chest. It makes you sick.
SHEILA
Uch.
MORTY
It says here that 260 people were hurt.
SHEILA
Oy vey. In Boston? They’re not supposed to do that crap in Boston. That’s what the Arabs do, not the micks. The micks are just drunks, but they’re no Arabs.
MORTY
He turned out to be an Arab, I think.
SHEILA
Uch, see! They should’ve known.
MORTY
Well they’re not all bad. My nurse was an Arab, remember?
SHEILA
Your nurse? Your nurse was an idiot. She was soft in the keppy.
MORTY
She was an Arab. They’re not all bad.
SHEILA
Uch, they keep setting bombs off. Nothing’s safe anymore. The world is crazy. I feel guilty for bringing children into this mess.
MORTY
Have you talked to Rebecca?
SHEILA
How could I? She never calls, not once. I don’t want to be a nudnik..
MORTY
You’re not a nudnik, Sheila.
SHEILA
Maybe I should be. Then my children might call once in a while.
MORTY
Have you talked to Benjamin?
SHEILA
Uch, that meshugener? God knows I can’t handle all that nonsense.
MORTY
He means well.
SHEILA
Uch.
MORTY
Do you know it’s 26 miles long?
SHEILA
What?
MORTY
The Boston race. It’s 26 miles long.
SHEILA
Uch, what a fakakta sport. They just run for 26 miles, then get blown up? See, Jews know better. They would never do that crap. Leave it to the schvartzes.
MORTY
I wonder if I ever could’ve run that far.
SHEILA
Love of my life, you get ferschnicket after half a glass of wine. You couldn’t run 60 miles when you were 20.
MORTY
It’s 26, Sheila.
SHEILA
All right, wiseass. You couldn’t run that far when you were 26 either, trust me.
MORTY
Maybe you’re right.
SHEILA
Were there any bombs this year?
MORTY
I don’t know, the paper’s from this morning. I hope not.
SHEILA
Uch. I wouldn’t be surprised. The world is crazy. Spicks killing schvartzes—
(MORTY starts coughing on the lo mein)
Honey, are you all right?
MORTY
I’m all right.
SHEILA
I’m not ready for you to go just yet.
MORTY
Better me than you, bubeleh.
SHEILA
Well then I won’t be far behind.
MORTY
If I do die in an explosion at the grocery, or anywhere else, just know that I love you more than life itself.
SHEILA
Quit with the schmaltzy drek, Mort. Eat your noodles, for God’s sake.
MORTY
They’re cold.
SHEILA
Huh?
MORTY
The noodles are cold, Sheila.
SHEILA
Oh, trash them. The chinks put too much mushrooms in anyway.
MORTY
I like the mushrooms.
SHEILA
Uch.
SCENE