Former MLB outfielder and recreational chemist Lenny Dykstra recently told Colin Cowherd that during his playing days, he put HGH “in [his] cereal.” Which explains why the Rice Krispies elves are now seven feet tall and prematurely balding. It also got me thinking about the culinary prowess of our finest athletes, who innovate not just on the field but in the kitchen. I reached out to some legendary sports figures (and, in one case, their surviving descendants), who bring you their favorite recipes:
Barry Bonds’ Baller Brownie Batter
2* cups of just regular flour
2* cups totally legal sugar
1* cup butter from a cow that’s on no drugs at all
1/2 cup cocoa powder, like for kids
1* tsp baking powder, nothing special or modified
1* tsp plain, over the counter salt
Blend the dry ingredients with a wooden spoon, then beat in the eggs, stirring well at first but then curiously stirring harder and harder as you get older until you’re like, “Man, I don’t remember him being able to stir like that.” Pour into a pan and bake for 20 min at 350. Serves 73*.
*Some numbers subject to debate
Vince Lombardi’s Chili (for Candy Asses Who Eat Soup)
1/2 bucket of hose water
1 can of beans
1 can of assorted nuts and bolts
1 handful of rocks
1 tsp salt for sissies
Put all that crap in a bucket. Light a fire under it until it does something. Go ahead and have some if you really need food for your weak, ineffectual body. But not the shoe. You don’t deserve the shoe.
Steph’s Curry Chicken
1 chicken, cut into parts
2 cups coconut milk
4 tsp curry paste
1 tsp fish oil
Bring coconut milk to simmer in pot. Stand 23.75 feet away and put in fish oil. Step back another 10 feet and add curry paste. Go out on lawn and throw chicken pieces into pot through the window. Cook for 20 mins. Serve with rice and disappointed Oklahomans.
2 cups Cheerios
½ cup holy water
Pour Cheerios in bowl (regular only, no Honey Nut devilry). Pour holy water over Cheerios. Genuflect before bowl. Copyright kneel-down genuflecting move. Serves 2 (you and the Holy Spirit).
Tom Brady’s Four-Ring Guacamole (from the TB12 Nutrition Manual)
4 hyper-organic avocados (picked only by virgin vegans)
1 tomato, seeded and silently disowned
2 tsp skinless onion extract
1 tsp garlic powder
2 drops G’s P-juice (not available at Whole Foods—special order?)
1 pinch platinum flake
Peel avocados and mash with pewter fruit pestle. Wave tomato at avocado, then throw onto lawn. (We do not eat tomatoes on the TB12 diet.) Add other ingredients. Enjoy with Photoshop-perfect family, perhaps during a nice, restful September Sunday.
Bryan Miller is a comedian who tastes great and is less filling. You should follow him on Twitter.