Jaime Alayon16 Players You’ll See During March Madness
1. The annoying guard who manages to have a 4.0 and is pre-med, who you probably only find annoying because you had a 2.5 and have popcorn residue in your beard right now
2. The coach’s son who suspiciously gets to take the game-winning shot
3. The really, really good freshman who deserves an Oscar for his insistence that he will not be entering the NBA Draft.
4. The really, really good freshman from last year who came back “to finish what he started”
5. The guy who cries most prominently (see: the really, really good freshman from last year who came back “to finish what he started”)
6. The 7-footer from Africa who learned how to play basketball literally days ago
7. The unassuming guy who makes one game-winning three for his small school in a first-round game, who ends up pondering the possibility that night that his life probably just peaked
8. The one dude on Duke you can’t stand for reasons you can’t put your finger on
9. The other 14 guys on Duke who you also can’t stand, but that would make this list kind of monotonous
10. The amusing 5’6″ guy who you will never hear about again
11. The amusing 7’6″ guy who you will never hear about again
12. The unlikely temporary celebrity who might land himself on Dancing With The Stars if he plays his cards right
13. The guy with an emotional backstory that ESPN does a soft-piano segment about
14. The guy with great fundamentals (Wow, look at those fundamentals, he’s a real STUDENT OF THE GAME)
15. The guy with great “length” (Wow, look at that length, you can’t teach length)
16. The guy who you pretend to recognize from last year’s tournament when he’s good in the NBA the next year
16 Real Players in the Tourney Who Sound Like Detectives From Old Movies
17. Lucky Jones
18. Beau Beech
19. Scoochie Smith
20. D.D. Scarver
21. Ishmail Wainright
22. Jacob Hazzard
23. Nathaniel Musters
24. Clide Geffrard
25. Basil Smotherman
26. Bear Henderson
27. Zach Korkowski (The guys on the force invariably call him “Kork.” He’s seen some crooked cops and some good cops, and he knows ’em when he sees ’em)
28. Dusty Hannahs
29. Dee Davis
30. Terry Brutus
31. Anthony January
32. Jack Bentz
16 Non-Players You’ll See During March Madness
33. The one Coastal Carolina superfan having his time to shine under the bright lights on TruTV
34. Cheerleader impervious to the fact that the team is down 30
35. Overzealous trombone player
36. Very old fan who gets zoomed in on during the title game when all hope is lost for their team
37. Guy who brings out the ladder and scissors for cutting down the net. You’re doing God’s work.
38. Coach’s wife, looking like the part of a “60 Minutes” interview where she’d be like, “Yeah, it can be tough and he’s really hard on himself during the season, but the job is part of the territory in our family!”
39. Clearly Hungover Student
40. Clearly Drunk Student
41. Alumnus wearing a hoodless sweatshirt, shaking head disapprovingly
42. Loathsome referee who robs an underdog by making a completely correct call
43. Live animal mascots: The lifeblood of college athletics (other than the arguable slave labor of the players)
44. The weirdest non-live-animal mascot (maybe this team would look less confused out there if they didn’t have a teal rooster as a mascot)
45. Coach’s Kid Type A: Adorable
46. Coach’s Kid Type B: Insufferable assistant coach
47, Legendary coach with a really creepy cult of personality
48. Very young coach who might actually be an equipment manager who got bumped up because of budget cuts
16 Things Announcers Will Say During March Madness
49. “_____ University is out there in [city.] [City] is a great place, lots of nice people”
50. “[Coach] has done a great job with this group of kids”
51. “[Player] is an outstanding young man”
52. “You know, I talked to [player] and was taken aback by how knowledgable he was about this game”
53. “You know, I talked to [coach] and he really had nothing but the best things to say about [player]”
54. “And that one’s good! Gotta love the tenacity of [team] to keep plugging away down 30 to Kentucky”
55. “These guys are a really tight-knit group. [Coach] says it’s the tightest group of kids he’s ever had!”
56. “That reminds me of something the great [John Wooden/Bob Knight/Dean Smith, depending on mood] once said”
57. “Oh my God, Duke. Wow Duke, great job. Coach K is the best. I’m really liking this Duke squad this year. Great academic school, Duke is. Whoa there, Duke.”
58. “We’re here in [city], we went out and got some [regional food] in downtown [city] last night, and wow, let me just say I’m glad for my waistline that we’ll be out of here soon.”
59. “[Player] actually played AAU with [other player], imagine that, those two guys on one team! Must have been unstoppable.”
60. “[Team], of course had their glory years in the 70s, when [team directly read from notes sheet, via Wikipedia] had their run. I remember watchin’ em, lots of talent.”
61. “[White guy] is deceptively quick and inventive in getting to the rim”
62. “[Completely butchered pronunciation of a European player’s name]”
63. “[Player] said he wants to do [non-basketball profession] after college, and you can see how that WORKMANLIKE APPROACH does him well on the court, eh, Jeff?”
64. “Georgetown has once again been defeated by a double-digit seed in the first two rounds of the tournament.”