Historical Teams That Could Beat the Warriors

With 53 wins through 58 games, The Golden State Warriors hold the best record in NBA history. At their current pace, they could beat the ’96 Bulls’ record of 72-10. So what? They think they’re so great, but there have obviously been so many better teams.

Retired NBA stars Stephen Jackson and Cedric Ceballos have both claimed that teams they played on could beat the 2016 Warriors. Also, Hall of Famers Oscar Robertson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar publicly stated that Stephen Curry gets to hit so many threes because the modern NBA is less physical.

Well, don’t tell Stephen Curry that, or he’ll go cry on a podcast about it.

Curry was on the Warriors Plus/Minus podcast on Friday getting all whiny, saying, “It’s starting to get a little annoying just because it’s kind of unwarranted from across the board,” and then, “We enjoy what we do. But for the most part, you don’t hear us talking about, you know, comparing ourselves to other great teams and ‘We could beat this team, we’re better than this team.’ We’re living in the moment.”

Sorry to annoy you, Stephen Curry, but some teams are better than yours. Here are just the top six teams (out of a million) that would destroy the Golden State Warriors.

The Monstars from Space Jam

Not only are they intimidating to look at, because they’re animated monsters, but the Monstars sucked the talent from the best players in the 1996 NBA, including Shawn effing Bradley. Sure, there was also Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, and Muggsy Bogues, but when the budget ran out and they needed a fifth man, Shawn Bradley was there. If the Warriors are such a great team, why don’t they make a new Space Jam with them in it? That’s right, because they’re not.

The 1986 Mets

It was a time when men played hard because they were on so much cocaine. At 3 AM on a Saturday night, the ’86 Mets could beat any team at anything. All the Warriors of today put together couldn’t snort as much coke as Dwight Gooden in one inning.

If the NBA didn’t limit physical play and take such a hard stance on the use of narcotics, our children could have heroes again.

SEAL Team 6

Maybe you haven’t heard, but they killed Bin Laden. I suppose Stephen Curry thinks his threes could have taken out Osama.

Is that also an unfair comparison, Stephen Curry? You never said that the Golden State Warriors were better than SEAL Team 6? Well, you didn’t not say it.

The Criminals on the Con Air flight

I said the “criminals,” so I’m not counting the innocent Nicolas Cage. Yes, he was convicted on manslaughter charges, but it was justified, so he’s not on the team.

That leaves us with folks like serial killer and possible pedophile Steve Buscemi, and John Malkovich’s Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom, who claims he’s killed more people than cancer. There’s also Diamond Dog, Billy Bedlam, and Dave Chappelle. The Warriors haven’t killed anybody. They would be running scared from Buscemi alone.

Kanye West

Not a team, but Kanye West is better than everyone at everything. Kanye recently was recorded saying that he is, “50 percent more influential” than legendary filmmaker Stanley Kubrick, Pablo Picasso, and St. Paul the Apostle. Let’s add The Golden State Warriors to that list.

The Warriors

The gang from the 1979 movie fought their way through the streets of New York City. The Golden State Warriors wouldn’t be able to rumble with The Van Cortland Rangers on a subway platform.

Best of luck to the Golden State Warriors as they continue their great season, but remember: You aren’t the best until you’ve beaten the best.

Top photo: (Noah Graham/NBAE/Getty Images)


Chris Laker is a comedian who was first man off the bench for the Monstars back in 1996. You should follow him on Twitter.