Manning Pretends to be Undecided on Retirement

When the confetti rained down following the Denver Broncos’ surprise Super Bowl victory, aging champion Peyton Manning declined to announce a decision on his rumored retirement.

“I’ll take some time to reflect. I’ve got a couple priorities first,” Manning said as he hefted a fresh can of gas into his old fishin’ boat, QB1. “I’m gonna go kiss my wife and my kids. I want to go hug my family. I’m going to drink a lot of Budweiser, I promise you that.”

Manning fielded further questions from the press with a dusty golf bag slung over his shoulder.

“Of course you get asked a lot of questions and you reflect about all those coaches and friends and family members who helped you to get to this point. I’m very grateful,” Manning said, and wistfully jingled through his near-unused clubs.

A yellowed list tumbled out of the golf bag’s unzipped pouch. Peyton unfolded the musty paper, then wept a single tear as he crossed off an item. He nodded softly and carefully returned it to the bag.

“What did you say? Oh, right, I’m just…you know, I love the game of football, and I’m very grateful. I’m gonna take Tony Dungy’s advice and not make an emotional decision.”

“By the way, have you guys seen Elway?” He brandished a letter addressed “Dear John,” the envelope smelling faintly of Drakaar Noir. “I’ve got something for him.”

Manning then slapped his helmet-reddened forehead and fished a set of keys out of his back pocket. “Almost forgot, where’s Brock? I need to give him something, too.”

The legendary quarterback humbly thanked reporters one more time and told them he would keep them posted on his retirement plans.

“On a totally unrelated note,” Manning added, “What are some good shows to watch on Netflix?”


Bryan Miller is a comedian who is undecided on whether he is the author of the preceding words. You should follow him on Twitter.