Bill Raftery Narrates One of My Romantic Encounters

Nothing evokes March Madness like the sound of Bill Raftery’s high-decibel, catch-phrase-riddled commentary. But you might be surprised to know that he puts in a lot of hours outside of university basketball venues. He’ll do pretty much anything, as long as you provide the microphone and the ham sandwich. So I hired him to follow me around one night when I met up with a certain female acquaintance. Needless to say, he had plenty of highlights:

“Whoa! Look at this one! She has something of an angelic countenance. It’s not every weekend you get to see such a low-ranking competitor like Muska upset the mostly male bar crowd by taking down—and taking home—such a staggering talent!”

“With the kiss! A kiss to be remembered, potentially!”

“It’s been a while since Muska has been active. Time to shake the dust off! Someone call the janitor!”

“Muska’s really gotta watch out. If he gets too excited too early, he tends to blow it. It was one of his main problems coming out of high school, and it’s been haunting him for years. But he sometimes catches a second wind and…REDEMPTION!”

“His teammates say he’s always been a stand-up guy, but I’ll tell you this: He’s not afraid to take one for the team late in the game. The kid grinds it out with the best of ‘em.”

“There’s a little lingerie on the deck!”

“Send it in, medium-size fella!!”

“He’s been down there banging around all night, and I think we can all tell he’s not afraid to get his nose in there and really shake things up! He’s got unorthodox technique, but he seems to find the sweet spot about 46 percent of the time.”

“There’s not a lot of raw potential here, but hopefully he can make up for it with stick-to-itiveness, passion, and chemistry! You can tell they’re both just really happy to be in the lineup tonight, to get the opportunity to go out there and give it The Old College Try.”

“He’s big on practice. Says he spends hours and hours a week locked away, practicing all by himself, watching all kinds of film. His knowledge of all-time greats like Peter North is unparalleled, it seems.”

“The dexterity, the agility, the tenacity!”

“It looks like Muska is…He’s crying. He’s overcome with emotion, like he just cut onions—a double order of onions!”

“You can pretty much tell he’s humming ‘One Shining Moment’ in his head right now.”

“He’s got that pretty lefty stroke. So smooth!”

“That move was most unattractive…but beneficial.”

“He’s a girthy fella, always manages to fill the lane!”

“Muska’s generally quick to get one off. It’s an absolute rarity that you’ll see him even come close to eclipsing the 30-second shot clock.”

Photo Credit: FOX Sports


Scott Muska is a writer and journalist based in Brooklyn, NY. This is his Crooked Scoreboard finale. Check out more of Scott’s work on Mashable and Twitter.