Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Woman: Oh my God, they’ve been kidnapped! They’ve been kidnapped! Please help!
Operator: Okay, ma’am, calm down. Are these your children you’re talking about?
Woman: Twenty years. TWENTY YEARS of loyalty and he does this to me.
Operator: Who kidnapped them? Your husband? Ma’am, I’m going to need you to calm down and breathe for a minute. Where are you?
Woman: 701 Convention Plaza.
Operator: The Edward Jones Dome?
Woman: Yes, and we’re losing time talking. How soon will you be here?
Operator: Just out of curiosity, what’s the name of the person who kidnapped your children?
(Long pause)
Operator: It’s not Stan Kroenke, is it?
(Long pause)
Operator: Ma’am, you’re talking about the Rams, aren’t you?
Woman: Are you going to help me find them or not?
Operator: I don’t think this counts as a real emergen—
Woman: Because I called you guys when the Cardinals left, and what did you do? Sat on your hands and did NOTHING. Only the sweet spirit of Georgia Frontiere floating in heaven knows how many cardinals had to be strangled before I got over that. And how long are we supposed to wait for another team if you don’t go after them now? Baltimore waited 12 years, and Lord knows that city is ten times sadder than ours.
Operator: Ma’am, if you killed birds, that’s animal cruelty. That’s a punishable offense.
Woman: No, you know what’s a punishable offense? Moving two professional teams out of this city in less than 30 years. Not getting to see Todd Gurley grow. Getting Philly’s leftovers. That’s the REAL punishable offense here.
Operator: Ma’am, we just got a separate call from someone reporting a burning effigy of Stan Kroenke outside of the dome. Do you happen to know anything about that?
Woman: How would I know anything about that if I’m inside?
Operator: Inside? Ma’am, that’s trespassing, and you need to leave immediately.
Woman: Leave immediately? Like our team did? I’ll tell you, this city says “Black Lives Matter” yet we just let the football team run off to the land of plastic.
Operator: I don’t have the time or energy to get into how extremely racist that is.
Woman: So what do you suppose I do now? Cheer for the Billikens? Do they even have a football team?
Operator: Ma’am, listen to m—
Woman: Do YOU even know what a Billiken is? The thing looks like Casper the Ghost had sex with The Grinch.
Operator: Ma’am, plea—
Woman: I’m not letting my grandkids around that.
Operator: Ma’am, we’re dispatching St. Louis MPD to the stadium and I’m hanging up now.
Woman: Sure. Just abandon me like everyone else.
(Operator lets out long sigh)
Operator: You could always move to California.
***
Natalie McGill is a writer and comedian who’s all too familiar with Baltimore’s sadness. You should follow her on Twitter.
